Moody weather

Isn't amazing how the weather outside can so perfectly match the way you feel on the inside?  Take today, for instance... chilly, but not overly cold, constant gray, with periodical bursts of rain showers.  That is so me today!  My insides feel cool and hollow, I can't quite shake the cloud of sadness, and then those showers of tears come streaming down every so often when I least expect it.

I keep praying that this journey we're on is going to get easier.  And, in some ways, it does.  Yet, as the old adage goes, two steps forward, one step back.  (Or maybe it's one step forward, two steps back... depends on the day!)  For example, Raegan finally started making it through the day without crying.  I thought she was doing great.  Then last night she had one of her sleepwalking spells, and she kept crying and saying, "Bring my daddy back!"  Maddie, who was doing great at first, started waking up through the night crying for her daddy, and has now started wetting the bed again.  I suppose the most consistent one in the house is me- I still cry every day, still feel lonely, still feel like this whole experience is some crazy nightmare that I need to wake up from.

I don't want to wish away my days, but each day that's gone brings me a step closer to this strange new world being behind me.  Someone told me that this would become my "new normal."  Well, I refuse that.  In no way will this life without my partner in life ever be any form of normal!  I knew this would be hard, but I really didn't consider how difficult it would be to deal with these emotions (mine and the girls'!).  It's almost like a grieving process.  I know this is temporary and I'll have my husband back, but I didn't expect to feel so lost.  I think this will be better when I can at least hear from him again... at this point, no calls, no emails, no letters, nothing.  It's like he just disappeared, and I didn't prepare myself for that.


So, for today, I am forcing myself to count my blessings... we have survived one entire week without him, and the world hasn't stopped turning.  I am seeing more smiles from my girls, and no matter how slowly the nights drag by, the days are filled with busyness and pass as quickly as always.  I have incredible support, awesome family, amazing friends, and the love and mercy of the God of the universe.  And all of this life is for Him.