Why me?

The year isn't over yet, but so far 2013 has been full of heartache for so many.  I know every year is full of heartache for so many, but for reasons I don't yet understand God has opened my eyes to so many tragedies this year.  As we spent our fair share of time in the ICN at Duke and the NICU at New Hanover, we saw so many moms and dads having to say goodbye to their newborns.  We sat and cried and prayed at the bedside of our baby, surrounded by other families doing the same thing.  My heart dropped with every alarm, knowing that it could be my child next time.  We listened with tears as the doctors told us time and time again they just didn't know what the future would hold, and we watched them walk to the next family to share the same news.

We spent six weeks living in the Ronald McDonald House with older children who were fighting for their lives, who came to dinner with us in wheelchairs and wearing masks.  We walked the halls lined with tiles in memory of those children who lost the battle, slept in rooms dedicated to those angels.  We dined with parents who had been there for months, praying for miracles.  We all existed in this strange world of trying to hang on to hope and faith, of celebrating milestones and mourning set backs... a world in which the rest of the world no longer existed as we devoted all of our time and energy to a child held captive by tubes and machines, needles and medications.

And in the past six months, I've heard and read stories of so many friends and friends of friends who have lost children for various unexplainable reasons.... miscarriages, stillbirths, complications and disease, SIDs.  I hear these stories and pray for these families every day and weep with every loss, and I know that I should rejoice in the blessing of my miracle... but I catch myself guiltily wondering, "Why?"  Why did our baby make it while so many others did not?  Why did we get a miracle when so many others needed one?  Why us and not them?  Why them and not us?  I count my blessings with a guilt-ridden heart because I know that I can never be appreciative enough for the gift I've been given.  I know there are too many moments that I take for granted.  I know that I did not deserve such a miracle.  Yet He gave it to me anyway, and I cannot understand why.

And I'm reminded once again, that's how God works.  Not one of us deserves His grace and mercy, His gift of eternal life, but He gives it freely anyway.  That's the beauty of grace... we cannot earn it.  He has bigger plans, and His plans are for our good, not for our understanding.  He gives, He takes away, He gives more, He loves... and we just have to trust.  We trust because we serve a God so much greater than this world, so much greater than the troubles and sorrows and heartaches that we face, even when they engulf us in an ocean of grief.  We trust because of the hope He gives, even in the most dismal circumstances, that hope that does not disappoint (Romans 3:3-5).  I may never understand why some of us get amazing miracles while others suffer painful loss, but I trust the One who does, and I trust that His plans are always, always, for good.

Happy 5th birthday, Bluebird!

Oh, my, where has five years gone?!  I still remember crawling into the doctor's office, sick as a dog, eager for some relief of some sort, only to stumble out later in a daze after being told I was pregnant with my second baby (and no relief for the next 8 months, haha!).  She decided to have her own style from the very start, showing herself off full-breech and refusing to move and sending mommy off for her first cesarean.  She came out weighing 6 lbs. 15 oz., 19 inches long, head full of dark hair.  We named her Madison Blue (Blue after her great-grandma), not knowing how perfectly that name would fit our blue-eyed beauty.

She turned our worlds upside-down, making our family fuller, our days busier, and her sister a big sister!  She keeps us laughing with her nutty sense of humor, and has made me realize that children come out with a personality all of their own and it's best to accept it and embrace it and try to channel it in the right direction if at all possible.  I get lost in her blue eyes, amazed by her sweet and giving nature, and my days are filled with joy as I listen to that infectious giggle and watch her dance and twirl and create... she is my free-spirit with the biggest heart, and I'm blessed to be her mommy.

In the past year I've watched my bluebird grow and mature from a preschooler into a little girl.  She went from the baby to being a big sister in a big way, and has embraced that role with full enthusiasm.  She's eager to help, eager to please, eager to pray, eager to praise God, and makes me so proud every day.

Maze Craze

Hooray for last minute surprise field trips!  We were blessed to tag along with LCA to Maze Craze in Hallsboro today... the girls (and mommy) and a blast!

Racing duckies with the hand water pumps

Excited girls!

Raegan

So determined!

Riding the barrel train!

Maddie in the maze

Hayride!

Harper and Mommy on the barrel train

Pedal car racing

Rae in the maze

Maddie's favorite- the bouncy balls!

Climbing the hay bales

My loves

Halloween 2013- Harper's First!

 Making memories for Halloween... We dressed the kiddos up in the costumes of their choice, then went to trick-or-treat in the grandparents' neighborhoods!

My oldest girl, who wanted to be an Air Force soldier like her dad

My middle baby, an Indian "queen" (she was not satisfied with just being a princess)

And my youngest in her first costume!

Digging in the candy bowl at Grammy's

Shocked that we let her have it!

And she dumped her candy in the floor and proceeded to roll in it.

Cutest pumpkins in the patch...

No fall is complete without a photo shoot at the pumpkin patch!

Learning to be a mom

I have this ugly tendency to spew my emotions on Facebook.  Not all the time, granted, but on those days when mommyhood is stressing me out and I feel overwhelmed by the demands of diapers and feeding and schoolwork and sibling rivalry and tantrums... I feel this need to release some pressure in silly posts on Facebook, and I find great encouragement when other moms out there validate my feelings!

Today was one of those days.  I looked at the clock and realized that I had been in my kitchen for over two hours.  That's right- the kitchen.  No other room in my house, not even the bathroom.  Between preparing breakfast for my two older girls and making bottles and baby food for my little, then dishes and cleaning counter tops and meal planning for the next week and mopping sticky orange juice from the floor (oh yea, like I said, one of those days), my morning was gone.  And as I stood there in my kitchen looking at the laundry mountain in the next room and listening to the baby cry at me from her high chair and the sounds of the monkeys pulling hair and calling names in living room, I had a momentary meltdown.  I realized that this stay-at-home mom gig is HARD.  I realized that homeschooling is HARD.  And I realized that the expectations that I have for what my children should be and what my home should be and what I should be are HARD.

So, in the midst of the chaos that is life being lived in this home, I sat down and had myself a good think.  And this is what I came up with... Lessons I have learned about being a full-time, homeschooling mom to three.

1. There are no "breaks."  Now, I complained about the lack of "breaks" I had when I was teaching.  And, granted, they were few and far between.  But, wow, how my definition of a break has changed!  Most days, my break is running to the bathroom and locking the door as fast as I can so that they (those little munchkins that have invaded my home) cannot find me.  Well, actually, they find me, but they can't get to me if I lock the door fast enough!  (However, that does not stop them from trying to break the door down, wiggling their fingers at me under the door, and yelling their requests at me through the closed door). And when they are finally sleeping for the night (an ordeal in and of itself), I'm faced with all of the unfinished business of the day (laundry, housekeeping, showering, laundry, paying bills, laundry...)

2. My house will NEVER be clean.  Because somehow, as soon as one room is clean, the other six rooms of the house have been devastated by a massive tornado disguised in the bodies of three cute little girls.  It is a never-ending cycle of destruction, and I am learning to embrace the fact that our house is lived in.  It may frighten some (most) people to see the clutter and mess that we live in, but it is a sign that my children are alive and healthy and creative and enjoying the gifts that God has given them... and that Mom and Dad are in there enjoying their three little God-given gifts as well.

3. My grocery budget is not large enough.  And I'm not sure that it will ever be.  So, add couponing and meal planning (as in all three meals and snacks in between) to my to-do list!

4. I spend the bulk of my day in the kitchen as life seems to revolve around meals and snacks and cleaning up in between.  Apparently little girls eat way more than most grown adults, and my girls eat like wild animals (and spill things left and right as they are graced with their mother's lack of grace).  Fortunately, despite my small kitchen, we have a nice, open floor plan so that I can still see most of the house from the kitchen sink!

5. Comparison is the thief of joy.  I cannot spend my days looking at my messy life and comparing it to what I think I know about another person. I've done it time and time again, and it always leaves me disappointed and discouraged.  We don't tend to showcase our chaos... I must not compare my lows with someone else's highs!  And I have to accept that what works for one family does not always work for another- my focus must be on God's plan for my family in this season of life.

6. I am blessed.  This one came to me as I watched my sweet little miracle baby working with her therapist today.  For a moment, the big girls were quietly working in their rooms, the living room was semi-clean, and I felt a rush of warmth come over me as I watched the therapist hold my girl in her arms, loving on her and celebrating her triumphs with me. 

Harper's face lit up with a smile, and I was reminded that my role as a mommy is challenging and demanding, but it is the greatest, most valuable, rewarding, fulfilling, amazing job that I could have, and I am beyond blessed that God has entrusted these three children to me.  I'm learning as I go, but thankfully God has enough grace to cover my mistakes and mishaps, and, at the end of the day, no matter how much love I feel for my loves, He loves me (and them) even more.

Another all clear!

As traumatic as this day was on my mommy heart, all ended well.  It was a long two and a half hour wait in the waiting room as my baby girl was in the care of the doctors once again, but she handled it all like a champ!  She is very cranky as she's fighting the side effects of the anesthesia, but the results were great.

Harper's growth is right on target- 19 pounds, 27 1/2 inches long, and a stable head circumference of 46 1/2 centimeters.  Her MRI was also stable, and even showed a slight improvement.  No drastic changes, but her ventricles seem to have gone down ever so slightly and are evening out.  

So, the verdict is that God has shown off once again.  Harper is amazingly perfect and so very tough- God's hand is all over this baby!  Even after the events of the past two days, she was smiling and babbling and going with the flow.  As long as no problems arise we do not have to see Duke again for a whole six months!  We will follow up with all departments at that point, but no major tests or scans, just check-ups.  Then, in a year, we will do the scans again.  

All I can say is praise God from whom all blessings flow!  There truly are no adequate words when it comes to the miracle He has given us.  

Revisiting

With a squirt of soap, a floodgate of emotions burst.  That scent of antimicrobial hand cleaner in the bathroom of Duke University Hospital hit my nose and sent me reeling back to the days of scrubbing up to my elbows until my skin was raw... The days of asking for permission to see my own baby girl, of donning a worn hospital gown over my own clothes to protect her from germs, of watching her vitals on the monitors and feeling my heart drop with every alarm, of maneuvering around breathing tubes and drains and IV lines just to touch my bundle of joy.  Remembering rushing to the hospital in the early morning to sit by her isolette and listen to the doctors discuss my child with words and terms I never dreamed of understanding and then having to walk away from her at night, trusting her life in the hands of strangers that were really angels dressed in scrubs.

I pulled myself together in time to sit in the waiting room and hear the sound of the helicopter coming in for a landing- that same sound that carried my newborn baby hours away from me on her birthday.  I remembered so vividly trying to hold my precious girl so tightly in my arms as the life flight pilots gently pried her away from me, watching them strap her in that plastic box on a stretcher and wheel her down the hall, and laying alone in my own hospital bed as that awful sound of the helicopter got louder, then faded into the distance.

So many other heart-wrenching memories flooded my mind today, triggered by the smallest things... Watching the nurse wrap the pulse ox around Harper's toe, that red light glowing under the tape; walking to the ICN window to speak to the folks who were such a blessing to us; seeing those weary families trying to find some rest in the waiting room; an infant being wheeled down the hall in a plastic box of a crib, covered completely by a blanket to protect her from stares; getting our red plastic armbands at the Ronald McDonald House; being away from my big girls and leaving them home with family... It has made for an emotionally draining evening for sure.

Tomorrow will be even more trying as this mommy prepares to turn her baby over to the doctors again.  While it is just for an MRI, it is causing me much anxiety.  Harper will not be allowed to have any food or bottles after midnight, as she will be under general anesthesia tomorrow.  We will take her to pre-op around 9:00 in the morning, and she will have to have IVs put in.  She is part of a special study being done here at Duke on a medication they use, which means she will also have to have blood drawn and have an EKG before and after her tests.  This will be the first time since bringing her home that we have to leave her with the doctors, and it is already breaking my heart!  

Her scan is scheduled for 11:00, and then she will go to recovery until the meds wear off.  We will then meet with Dr. Fuchs, her neurosurgeon, around 3:00 to discuss the results.  On her last scan she still showed some areas of fluid, brain damage, and cysts, but it was all stable.  We are praying for miraculous results tomorrow.  She is an amazing little girl and shows no signs of brain trouble at all, so we know God is taking good care of her!  Thank you all for praying with our family tonight and tomorrow... God hears and answers those prayers, and we are so grateful!

Victory in Jesus

Today we worshipped with the old familiar hymn, "Victory in Jesus."  It's on my list of favorites as I always hear my granddaddy singing it with all his might.  But today the second verse hit me in a new way and brought me to tears...

"I heard about His healing

Of His cleansing power revealing,

How He made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see.

And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,

Come and heal my broken spirit."

And somehow Jesus came and brought 

To me the victory..."

I don't always take hold of the victorious life He has promised, but somehow He still gives it freely.  As we sang this verse, I was struck by how blessed I am to have not only heard about His healing, but to have witnessed it firsthand!  I have struggled to understand many things about this crazy life over the past couple of years, and I still can't make sense of most of it.  But I know God gave me Harper for a reason.  He has used her precious life to remind me of Who is in control... To restore my faith, show me the meaning of hope, and to heal my broken spirit.  I still don't understand all the what's and why's, but I've been reminded of the Who.  And as I lay down tonight with a head full of thoughts and a heart full of emotions, I pray that I find rest in that Who, that I claim the victory He has promised, and that I never cease to give Him praise.

Home school- August and September

Well, I haven't posted much regarding our home school experience so far... It's been busier than I ever imagined, more challenging than I ever imagined, and more chaotic than I ever imagined.  Every day has been different, and after two months I still don't have it all figured out!  But, we're learning (all of us), and we've had some fun (or at least I think we have!)...

Backyard archaeologists.

Craft day with friends

Learning to make homemade baby food

And feeding Harper homemade baby food

The jewelry Maddie made for me all on her own (art is her favorite!)

Learning about persistence in prayer

Field trip to Brunswick town with the cousins!

Recess!

Rock painting as we learn about singing praise to God